doing nothing and feeling okay
“Changing your habits can only really be revolutionary if it’s in sync with many other people changing theirs.” - Cassie Thornton
“I realize that telling people to disrupt capitalism is very challenging when most of the world loves capitalism deeply.” - @TheNapMinistry
i’ve been thinking a lot recently about how historically i measure my own self worth in order to deem whether i’m deserving of love, and it’s become stark over the past year that generally it’s tied to productivity as a professional artist (in the sense that it’s my chosen lifestyle). where the venn diagram overlaps in difficult parental relationships and scarcity mindset education, that’s where i’ll be. the love i’m looking for is a thoroughly modern shitshow of self-acceptance, external validation and abstract romance, with a side of labour commodification for survival. i’m sick that we have been brainwashed into thinking that our value (to ourselves or others) is in what we produce, that we are nothing beyond what we consume.
the personalisation of capitalism must be the most viral mental disease in the Western hetero-patriarchal world.
so the sheer anti-logic and philosophy shift to allow a period of unproductivity –in my case physically enforced by a surgical operation– is simultaneously monumental and zero. and though the results are immediate (i lie down and do nothing) there is still plenty of work needed to shake the feelings of guilty and laziness that we weaponise to uphold social contracts. this work, guarded against by state-maintained financial poverty, labour-fuelled time poverty, and the political policing of individualisation, is the ultimate shadow work needed to lift ourselves and each other out of the pit.
i’m yet to fully comprehend if the inaction is something i’m actively choosing or passively allowing to happen. i know nothing about relaxing because i’ve been conditioned to project my own insecurities around looking busy onto others. i know nothing about relaxing because i spent almost ten years having full-time or multiple jobs supporting an arts practice. i know nothing about relaxing because i’ve made every hobby into a jobby. i know nothing about relaxing because the version i’ve been sold is purely aesthetic and temporary: ice cube typography, anthropomorphic palms, brits abroad, blatant colonial xenophobia, bright sun or deep snow, orange cocktails.
to relax means to turn off or away, but as my therapist says ‘your brain will follow your body’. there’s nothing actually that relaxing about going on holiday (booking, packing, travelling are all hellish procedures) and since that’s the only respite working people get from omnipotence of toil, there are insurmountable expectations on what is essentially temporarily not working in a different location. and when days off are so precious how on earth are you supposed to do nothing without feeling like it’s been wasted?
at this point, i’m in standby mode until 2022. I have nothing to do except the very basics, a privilege i’m very grateful for but one that everyone deserves. eat, clean, read, wrap some homemade gifts, sleep. nonetheless, the compulsions to flagellate or simply fill my time with meaningless tasks are reticent. since i’m still recovering from an operation, covid is ripping thru DARP and I pulled a muscle in my back i can’t, and probably shouldn’t leave my room.
this is also a great opportunity to see how I will fob off boredom; by spending more time on my phone, giving myself new tasks to do, or buying things online to get delivered? any of these constitutes participating in capitalism, either in the attention economy, labour (self)exploitation, or mindless consumerism. aside from tasking myself with writing this and answering some emails, i have plenty of good books sitting on my shelf that need starting, and a few handsewing jobs i can sit with while listening to groovy 90’s drum and bass mixes. feeding myself has taken a different format in order to minimise kitchen time and avoid housemates: seeing as i’m not exercising i’ll just eat a big breakfast and dinner, with some fruit and biscuits in the early afternoon. i haven’t had a food delivery except some vegetables from Down To Earth in Derby so i’m delving into my homemade reserves and the carbs in the communal pantry.
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towards low-consumption
“To oppose something is to maintain it.” - Ursula Le Guin, The Left Hand of Darkness
“We can’t build what we can’t imagine, so it is imperative for us to create spaces that allow us to infinitely stretch our understanding of what’s possible.” - Walidah Imarisha
i’ve been working without much structure in my life for a few years, especially since going freelance, and it’s been a huge source of anguish. when i was living in london i would be consistently stressed about money, and would only ever take half days off which i then procrastinated away regardless. it affected my romantic relationships because i couldn’t hang around having precious downtime, always refusing to sit still and finding excuses to move. now i’ve completely (temporarily) removed myself from the workforce i’ve begun to understand the self-imposed restrictions we sympomatic of my own internalised labour struggle.
i don’t take universal credit although maybe i should. the clarity of my low income related to paid work actually provides me with a solid framework for meeting my own needs within my means. and this is practisable because, as well as super low rent at DARP, i have no dependents or recurring outgoings (like car / mortgage / student debt lol). also having purged all the small recurring payments like netflix, spotify, audible or whatever this of course saves extra money and forces me to look elsewhere for entertainment. not only am i great at finding illicit streams for films, it means occasionally i can buy some music directly from artists on bandcamp (see Heart n Soul, M.I.C, Buffet Lunch).
one key thing about restructuring one’s life to be low-consumption is that conceptually it cannot negatively impact on anyone else, human or more-than. it stringently requires the opposite. the reorganising of personal priorities is not to indulge further in conveniences of obfuscated labour or luxuries of commodity, it’s to consciously abstain from products and processes that rely on precarious and violent supply chains. divorcing from the consumer self opens new spaces to acquire and receives resources that won’t end up in landfill. ultimately it encourages standing in a space where you theoretically oppose mainstream consumer rubric and actively spend time and energy building long-term alternatives.
dropping out of high-consumption lifestyle is a huge privilege that cannot be overlooked. most are locked in by financial precarity and time poverty, which prevent any concerted effort to break out of the violent cycle of low-quality, low-cost material consumerism. the short-cycle obsolescence trap is rooted in racial and class capitalism, since it is primarily working non-white people who grow, make, transport, restock and sell all the shit we buy. BUT in a moment when the virus is rampaging through our communities (especially London and other dense cities), would it not make sense to break that cycle as a treat, as little taster?
my friend ralph keeps pulling me up on this tweet, arguing against “less contact” but for safer working conditions, ventilation etc and until just now i couldn’t really see why. i interpret his point as that we will be living through a recurring pandemic for the forseeable and that curbing public contact through intermittent lockdowns would just not be possible or likely, and shouldn’t be enforced when people are feeling so isolated. while in theory i agree, i still maybe feel this is protectionist over economy. using shops less would affect the amount of money taken by businesses, but if they can’t comply with keeping workers safe at every point in the supply chain, do they deserve to receive custom?
my case for reducing consumption is also to highlight the extractivist mechanisms of everyday life, which are merely illustrated by institutions selling goods. we only see a sliver of the lifecycle of any material –a cabbage, a phone, a remote control car– its appearance on a shelf in a shop, even less if our first interaction is on our doorstep, and can not fully understand, appreciate or even imagine the processes it has gone through to arrive. what happens before it exists in our ownership? and what happens after we’re done with it?
of course, the risk of self-alienation through rejecting our innate social role is ever-looming. the risk of alienating others merely talking or writing about it is significantly larger, since challenging any dominant narrative can cause those embedded in it to take any systemic criticism personally. either way, social cracks can appear, and social wedges may be driven in. since it’s such a cultural taboo, perhaps naming some of the causes/effects of high-consumption is a good way of finding a reflective surface to cry into. Kirsten B Firminger wrote in her 2012 PhD (available for free online):
Individuals could also be feeling overwhelmed by consumption-focused culture which may reduces individuals' quality of life, subjective well-being, and self-esteem, including feelings of dissatisfaction, boredom, cynicism and anger. These decreases in well-being may be tied to decreasing amounts of quality time available for oneself, family, and community. That time is instead spent on earning money or shopping. Engaging in a consumer-focused lifestyle may be tied to decreased monetary savings and increased levels of debt. Lastly, researchers have theorized that having an “unlimited” choice of goods, increased marketing and multiple symbolic meanings may overwhelm and stress people.
Social Aspects of Developing and Sustaining Voluntarily Reduced Consumption Activity in New York City Consumption Activity in New York City
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the rejection of one way must be mirrored and emboldened by the creation of another. it’s not healthy to live in opposition to anything without an alternative; harbouring negativity without and outlet can push anyone to the brink. for all the extra time i have acquired not shopping or working over the past eight months, i having been spending it foraging, gardening, volunteering, reading, writing and cooking. i’ve learnt more about myself and what i need to make myself happy through having soil under my nails or falling asleep in a book or getting flour on my shirt than i would have through any item i might have exchanged for money.
i am currently coming to the end of my isolation period, in which i’ve i haven’t bought a single thing except an organic veg box. i’m so skint that i can’t afford to buy any presents this year. it matters not because i have a bunch of homemade stuff that is more than suitable and cute, and i look forward to sending it out after the rush with some nice handmade cards. it matters not because i’ve made it abundantly clear through similar yearly conversations with my parents that i don’t want or need anything (although i did leave my running trainers on a bus and should upgrade my decade-old duvet).
thank capitalism for january sales, i guess.