Late night journalling, recipe-writing and self-therapising.
Mon 26 april
We’ve changed our house meetings to 9am, which is muuuuuch better! Deep clean was vibey. I blitzed the kitchen to MF Doom then made granola, eggshell toothpaste, and a leftovers pie for lunch. I spent the afternoon cleaning my lab and processing some surplus – banana skins, citrus, glass jars and cardboard.
Occasionally days go scarily quickly and recently it keeps suddenly being 9pm without explanation. My depression can sometimes get triggered by time anxiety: forgetting the day or date; missing deadlines; procrastinating over basic tasks; faffing or doomscrolling. Procrastination is a sign of low self-confidence, my therapist says, so I blame myself for this behaviour and display a distinct lack of empathy too. I’m learning my way out of this, and it’s becoming less frequent since leaving London. I’ve found that putting names to feelings has been the most difficult lesson (expanding my emotional vocabulary has been among my main aims since starting therapy) and writing has been a fulfilling way to process, document and illustrate the shift.
After dinner (diy white pizza w potato, cauli, blue cheese on wholewheat base) Amy and I made pinhole cameras from bouillon tins but the moon was hidden until the small hours.
Tues 27 April
bad mental health day. I wish I’d written the entry, instead I totally skipped because I felt genuinely stretched to complete even routine actions like drink water or answer emails and am retroactively filling in. The low mood seemed to stem from some compounded loneliness, I miss my friends and family and am coming to terms with not being round the corner from so many people I love. Although I kept myself wide open to what happens here, I’ve observed that I've brought a number of subconscious expectations of communal living. The ‘worlding’ exercise Ella F led last month let us feel our way around the messy ideologies, knocking terms around that overlap and dissolve. I’m starting to understand my own insecurities slip out sometimes as microaggressions, and need to change this immediately.
We had rain for the first time in three weeks, all the greenery became incredibly lush and voluminous.
Wed 28 april
Bit of a sadness hangover today. Cancelled my plans for a gardening session due to lack of motivation, read some of my book and procrastinated instead. Did manage to do a short yoga routine, shower and make another pizza, then hosted a workshop for Liverpool Biennial in the afternoon. I taught 14-19 year olds how to make sauerkraut and spoke about bacteria as artistic collaborators. Social Pickle made a great presentation about activating surplus food through community action.
Felt pumped after the session so went for a sundown run, however my hernia had different ideas and I walked about half, collecting hogweed shoots and wild chervil buds for my sorrows.
Thurs 29 April
Last night I wrote a morning routine on my blackboard - I think part of the reason I procrastinate so much is because I feel like I have so much to do and figure if I write it down I have something to refer to and bounce off. even though all these things bring me joy and do not induce stress individually, I get in a flap trying to repeat simple patterns.
7:30 wake up, check in
8:00 stretches or mindfulness
8:15 read
8:45 coffee and chat
9:00 feed worms and check seedlings
9:10 breakfast, wash up, shower, teeth
10:00 emails
10:25 break
10:30 writing or research
10:55 break
11:00 lab visit and tidy
I should pretty much be able to do this without my phone, so will attempt to leave off from night before until lunchtime. I think I get screwy about all the things I need to do because I see them as delaying the start to my working day, but really they are an equal part of it. These tasks hold personal weight, integral pieces of who i am and what i do. Belittling them or dismissing completely is an internalisation of capitalist productivity – the more time I faff around checking on worms and plants, the less I have to do real work. This subconscious logic is a stain on my confidence, pushing the boundaries I’m not asserting with myself.
Homemade hummus and toasted white baps that I squished flat with my palms (we got about 30 in the coop surplus). Had a lovely meeting with Maria and Faye about a project in Liverpool over the summer, then had a smoothie with frozen banana, diy seamoss gel, oats and a dollop of marmalade. Bounded out to the plastic bottle greenhouse and potted up my peas with twig crutches like in a photo I saw of Bryony’s, and also tried transplanting a whole tray of peas into a deeper box. grouped my radish seedlings into large pots where they’ll stay, hunted for some anti-squirrel equipment. Building quite a collection of flowers, herbs and veg under the kitchen window now, they’ll get 7 hours of sun most days.
Missed out on DYCP funding. surprisingly did not dwell on a bad feeling, just accepted that shit happens and turns out many brill artists also got rejected. Tbh why is ACE the Final Boss of Funding when we know how well they hoard wealth and disproportionately they distribute it? Decentralised funding circles, patreon, group applications, crowdfunders; these alternatives pull artists tighter with each other and their audiences, why am i begging for scraps from a body that perpetuates inequality and meritocracy?
Stunning egg curry and saag paneer cooked by the team tonight, accompanied by the most perfectly cooked white rice i’ve had in ages. We had some red wine and late 90s club classics to help digest, plus some toasted and candied fennel seeds I picked up as a treat. Going to miss Andy and Amy, have learnt some precious lessons from them on capturing moments of collective joy.
Fri 30 April
End of the month already, what? Can’t remember what I had for brekkie, did however partly follow my planned routine and complete some elements in a calm fashion before shooting off to the farm. Had a good time today; harvested and bagged up mustards, chard, spinach; weeded in the polytunnels and planted cucumber plantlets into fresh beds with climbing frames. Chef made me a niiiice couscous-stuffed pepper with mozzarella lid. Promptly bought some local apples and ate multiple. As I was about to leave, I was ambushed by the farm cat. We had a hug and a chat – like I really had a discussion with him which charged my social battery.
Back at base Ella Y helped me fix a patch on her sewing machine and made a new ass seam on a nice pair of linen trousers Hugh bought me years ago. Not going to describe my weird dinner as I accidentally used a cola reduction instead of veg stock, which will teach me to leave unlabelled jars of liquid in the fridge.
Spoke to my good friend Jamie for ages about worlding against institutions, Maria Fusco and gravelbikes. Ate a plum and watched a Sir Spyro cipher.
Sat 1 may
Joyous Beltane / MayDay / International Workers' Day. Spent a few hours alone yesterday prepping a spring feast for DARP crew while listening to an excellent stream by @noboundsradio.
While grating swedes for rosti I sent solidarity to landworkers who look after the soil and produce our food with love. While cracking eggs, I thought of all my friends in the hospitality industry, and those putting themselves at risk labouring in supermarkets. While sorting through salads, I thanked the more-than-human pollinators for ensuring we have abundant wild and domesticated crops to sustain us. While chopping cabbage and apple, I gave gratitude to those who have invented, rewritten and spoken recipes. While pickling surplus beetroots, I considered how lucky we are to have far more than we need. While mixing herbs into yoghurt I appreciated the unique collaboration between bacteria and human to ferment and preserve our foods.
After food prep i felt myself getting cranky (sunlight deficient?) so I took a long walk under Bennerley Viaduct and followed a small stream to a lush patch of ground ivy. Caught up w Jack over the phone and sufficiently destressed my body. After dinner we did some shonky maypole dancing under disco lights (which I firmly initiated against collective will), and I had a few glasses of wine in the kitchen.
Sunday 2 May
The main aim of today was to clean the lab and go on a bike ride. It’s rare I have a clear plan that actually gets executed, but I was feeling kinda hopeful. Had rosti and salad leftovers and a banana-date smoothie before getting to work on cleaning my jars, stacking my dehydrator with the ground ivy and garlic mustard from yesterday’s walk. Made a garlic mustard “wasabi” (recipe below) and preserved some lemons husks. I have almost a shoebox full each of dehydrated banana skins and citrus peel, and a tepache marmalade soda bubbling away.
Packed some fruit and the remnants of a huge brownie and set out on the bike using komoot for the first time. Selected a route where I knew the first third to get going then went over some styles and through cow fields towards an area of ancient woodland situated on a slope. I finally gave in and picked wild garlic. As a rule of thumb, I avoid overharvested or small patches, but there was plenty for everyone. My main focus was collecting some flower buds because of the short window. White-grey pods stand up through the curved carpet on scapes, easy to spot. The way home is wide and slow B roads, a snippet of Erewash canal, and a one-way street that wounds up at small, friendly pub for my first pint of ale in over a year.
Garlic Mustard ‘wasabi’
This is a riff off of Pascal Baudar and theforagedfoodie.blogspot.com. Garlic mustard is hugely invasive and it’s rampant growth negatively impacts flowering annuals by stealing water and nutrients. It’s important to think about how we can keep greedy species in check for a balanced ecosystem, and eating them is v effective. Picking in spring means you can find some overwintered roots. If you’re new to identifying, beware of lookalikes but the smell is a giveaway. Find a dense cluster of flowering stems and pull a few larger ones directly upwards from the base. Shake off the dirt then take inside to clean and peel. Chop into finger length pieces and systematically bash each one until it splits and frays (we’re trying to bruise and dissemble). Then take a sharp knife and chop as small as poss. For every two tablespoons of processed GM add a pinch of salt, then pound together in a bowl or grind in pestle and mortar. Jar it up and add a few glugs of acv – here the function is to match the big bitterness with acidity. Leave to infuse for a few hours or days, then pulse in a blender or smush in a pestle and mortar for your paste. Add to a whipped creme fraiche for a horseradish style sauce, add in brassica soup bases for that complementary umami hit.